Hello guy wanders of the Interwebs! Welcome to this edition of WF! As usual, I will be your guide this week through the twists and turns of this strange reality known as Impact Wrestling. They are calling this week “Must win Thursday” in regards to the BFG Series, which they have managed to screw up for the second time in three years. What was so difficult about copying exactly what you did last year, except changing the winner? Anyway, on with the show!
As we get the credits rolling from whatever tripe Spike TV shows in NY before TNA, we are treated to a view of Ms. Assmacher walking towards Bully Ray and away from the camera. If Impact ended here, it would get an 11. We then get Johnson P. Voiceman telling us about all the haps recently. Besides the usual Aces and Eights vs. The Main Event Mafia BS, we also get an update on Awesome Aries problems with the faction of Kaz, Daniels and Bobby Roode, collectively known as the Extreme Gentleman’s Organization, or EGO. Get it? It’s clever. Oh look, A&E is coming out to the ring. I bet they’re pissed about losing Devon last week. Let’s see what they have to say.
Bully is on the mic, and he tells us he is in a really bad mood. He mentions that his brother Devon is not with them anymore, and he wants to know what happened. He asks Beardy McBischoff what happened. Seriously, what’s with Garett and his attempts with trying to look like a big boy? It’s cute that he tries though. He asks Knux what happened, and Knux said he was taking care of his business. He asked Wes Brisco what happened, and Wes responded with the worst acting I have ever seen. If you watched this segment then you know what I’m talking about. Bully then asked Anderson what happened, and Anderson responded with the nonchalant response of “it is what it is”. Bully said that Anderson was right, and that Devon was dead weight anyway, and nothing but Bully Ray’s sidekick for all those years. A&E were acting all mad that Bully could be so cruel, but c’mon guys, he’s a giant turd. It’s what he does. Also check out Wes Brisco trying to act shocked and appalled. It’s ridiculous. Bully goes on to say that Tito Ortiz is the only man he needs in his life. Aww, how sweet. Bully then says he’s giving Tito his own cut, which is slang for vest, and Kenny boy flipped his shit. He started yelling at Bully about voting procedures. Seriously. Bully tells Anderson to back it down, and Anderson can’t say anything about it. Then he calls out Assmacher. She looks so good in that leather outfit. She has a vest for Tito, and she hands it to Bully. He’s about to put it on Tito, but Anderson gets loud again. Bully puts baby in a corner, and tells him to stay. Like a good puppy, Anderson stays. Bully puts the vest on Tito, and we see that it’s Devon’s old vest. He pulls the patch with Devon’s name off the vest, and drops it symbolically in front of Anderson. Bully says that he voted and if anyone of A&E has a problem, they can get out. He then turns his attention to Hogan and says that he can’t wait to talk to him and tell him that Assmacher is the only Brooke that has ever mattered in his life. It was a good segment, but it seemed off a bit. Maybe if Brisco knew how to act, it would have gone smoother.
They run down the card for tonight, and then they show Jeff Hardy in the back. He’s sitting with his back to us and he basically says he’s desperate for points and tells his creatures to mount up. He needs to stop painting his eyelids.
After a commercial, they show Hogan entering the arena, and then the BFG leader board. It’s time for our first match.
Match 1: Kaz vs. Jeff Hardy
The match was good, because these are the two of the most consistent performers TNA has. Tenay tells us that if any other member of EGO gets involved, then they lose their spot in the BFG series. That makes this a fair one on one and that's always ok. Hardy at one point goes for the figure four, thus highlighting the “must win” aspect of the match because you get more points for a submission win. Kaz breaks free, but Hardy wins a couple of minutes later with the Swanton. Jeff is now in the final four, which is a good idea.
Backstage, Anderson is upset about the way Bully just dumped Devon to the curb. Then they all argue the merits of voting. No, seriously, this happened. Anderson says that if Bully keeps things up, there will be a vote that Bully won’t like. It’s mutiny! (Maniacal Laugh)
After a commercial, they air a clip from last week, when AJ pinned Devon to send Devon out of TNA. Then we have our next match.
Match 2: Gail Kim vs. ODB in a #1 Contender Match
Gail won first fall with a leg submission that Tenay called a cross between a Texas Cloverleaf and a Sharpshooter. What I don’t understand is why Tenay didn’t say Scorpion Death Lock, seeing how it is basically the same move, and you know, USED BY A MEMBER OF YOUR ROSTER. Stop drawing attention away from the people that work for you. Also, when you win the first fall with a submission, why not immediately go back to the submission when the second fall starts? Just a minor gripe, though. ODB won the second fall with a roll-up, and then won the third with what Tenay called her version of the Sharpshooter, when it was clearly a really bad Texas Cloverleaf. ODB is now the #1 contender for Mickie James’ KO title, which was obvious because the division has four women, and Gail already had a shot. I wish TNA was better than this.
After a commercial, they show a commercial for the all-Knockouts PPV called Knockouts Knockdown. Then they cut to Velvet Sky in the back. She is asked by Wayne Arnold about ODB, and Velvet says good things. She is then asked about the KO PPV, and responds by saying that there is a lot of undiscovered talent out there, and that the division is red-hot right now. I call bullshit. Sure there may be loads of talent, but to say that the division is red hot is a straight up lie when your division has only FOUR F&*#@NG WOMEN! What a dope. Then they asked her about not showing up last week, and they publicly announced that she and Chris Sabin – the World’s Most Blandest Champion – are a couple. Lucky bastard.
After a commercial, Daniels and Roode are angry that Hogan prevented them from helping Kaz before. Roode pumps up Daniels by saying that Roode will take care of AJ Styles, and Daniels will take care of Aries. Those are two matches that should be great.
They show the clip from last week when Aries turned down the offer to join EGO. Then we get an interview with Aries. Aries says that he turned them down for the same reason he turned down the MEM – he can only count on himself. Daniels shows up, and they bicker and Daniels says he’s gonna knock Aries flatter than Miley Cyrus’ ass. Holy shit that was funny. Aries says he’s gonna slap Daniels so hard that he’s gonna grow hair again. Daniels wins. Surprisingly, this segment doesn’t end in a brawl. Interesting.
After a commercial, Hogan is walking in the back and the only person who really gives a shit, the Invisible camera man, asks Hogan his thoughts about Bully winning the title back since Hogan has been gone. Hogan says that he has an announcement to make later in the ring. Then they show a video package of last week’s elimination of Devon. Then MEM comes down to the ring.
This week’s edition of MEM is Sting, Samoa Joe, and Rampage, due to Kurt Angle’s rehab, and Magnus having visa issues. Rampage is wearing his camouflage blazer again, but it doesn’t work because I can still see him. Unfortunately, I can also hear him as well. He blandly tells us that he’s going to get Tito for being a bad friend and a big old stinker. Joe says that last week they were outnumbered, but one guy stepped up big for them, and that guy was AJ Styles. Sting has the mic now, and he says that after last week, the door is open for AJ to join the Mafia. Sting calls out AJ.
AJ Styles makes his way out to the ring. He does the same thing as last week, as the newer, slower song plays, stops, and his old theme comes on and he “transforms”. It’s unique at least. Huge AJ chant from the supportive crowd. AJ thanks the MEM for their offer, but says he has to do this alone. Then he cuts a very odd promo.
I say odd, because AJ is not known as a very good talker, and you can tell he had some legit issues on his mind, especially with his contract situation (he just signed a three-month extension) but I think he was trying to remember his points and just kept repeating his words over and over. It’s hard to explain, but here’s the video, and you can judge for yourself.
I think he’s torn about leaving or staying. I know he’s a loyal guy, but at what point do you look at where your career is headed, where the company you work for is headed, and decide that what is best for you may not be where you are now. Do I want AJ in WWE? Absolutely. He is one of the better ring workers they have, and can really mesh well with a lot of guys in WWE, but there is a part of me that wants AJ to stay with TNA and actually be the center of that company.
After the promo, Bobby Roode makes his way out to the ring for his match with AJ. Then we have a commercial. When we return, we have our next match.
Match 3: AJ Styles vs. Bobby Roode
This is another match that they announced for tonight that I was really excited for. There is no use denying that TNA has a lot of good talent. I just wish they were used better. This match is a prime example of this, as they worked really well together and they both sold the importance of winning the match. One question though: If AJ needed to get the submission win to get into the final four, why was he booked to win via pinfall? It is logic gaps like that that make me mad. It makes AJ look dumb. Good match though.
After a commercial, Jeremy Borash is standing in front of Hogan’s dressing room. He says that Hogan will be out later. What a waste of time. Then we have our next match.
Match 4: Awesome Aries vs. Daniels
This match was just as awesome as Daniels sunglasses. I keep saying that Daniels, Roode, Hardy, Aries, Storm, AJ, and Kaz are the top guys in this company and any match that includes them will be fantastic. This match was no exception. Aries won with a brainbuster. It was a really good match that unfortunately had to go before the Hogan promo. It should have closed the show, but Hogan is back! Ugh.
The final four of the BFG series is Magnus, Austin Aries, Bobby Roode, and Jeff Hardy.
After a commercial, Hogan duck faces his way out to the ring. Listen, I know he’s a big name and all, but if you cheer for Hogan now, you are part of the problem. He deserves Cena-level like abuse right about now. The more he’s cheered, the more he thinks he’s the solution, not the problem.
Hogan says it's good to be back, and has a brand new pair of Jordans. Yes, he said that. Hogan’s first order of business is the BFG series. He looks at the leaderboard, and says that in meeting with the Spike execs, they decided that they needed one more match in the BFG series. So he tells us that there is a BFG series gauntlet match for twenty points and that anyone in the BFG series can win and make it into the final four. No, not you Jay Bradley. Let’s be serious. I kind of wish that Vince Russo was here to book a “twenty points on a pole” match. Hogan then turns his attention to his next order of business, but Bully Ray’s music cuts him off.
Bully comes out and flaunts the fact that he is the World Champion again. He tells Hogan that he has been waiting to introduce him to his fine little lady, but Hogan cuts him off. Hogan says something dismissive about Assmacher, and then threw divorce papers in Bully’s face. Hogan says that his Brooke is moving on with her life. Bully says that he doesn’t care about the divorce, and that he only used She-Hulk to get the title. He also says he used all of Hogans – and I quote – “Hulk-a-schmuck-a-maniacs.” Right about there, my brain decided to leave. Bully says that he’s got what he needs, and that he has nothing to do until BFG, so he’s just gonna sit back and relax.
Hogan does his version of “Do you know who I am” and says that Bully will have to defend his title against one of his brothers in the “Aces of Eights.” Way to go Hulk. Hogan leaves the ring and walks up the ramp as Bully protests this decision. Hogan then says that Bully will defend his title “this week” against his next opponent, Sting. Yes, the same Sting who lost a match that assured us that he will never get another title shot ever again, is fighting for the world title. Sting and Bully exchange heavily stomped blows in the middle of the ring until Bully bails, and Impact ends.
(Note from John Canton: Turns out Hogan messed up that promo in saying Sting gets a title shot. He should have known better.)
Three really good matches and all I can think about is how much Hogan sucked the life out of me with his final promo. If the show ended with Aries’ victory, it would have been a better show, but since Hogan’s ego main evented again, the quality of the show suffered because of it. He really needs to go, especially if TNA expects to grow as a company. I’m going to wrap up the review here, because I have already given Hogan way too much thought already. Until Headlines, that’s all I got.
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