Thanks to the latest pirated NSA technology we at the Di-Jest have been able to tap into Sandy Alderson's cell phone chats. Without going into details the majority of them are as boring and fact-free as the interviews you see him give to Mike Francesa on radio or Kevin Burkhardt on SNY TV.

But with the intense trade talks going on between the Mets and the Brewers (I exaggerate for effect) I felt you'd like to hear what the latest discussion sounded like the other day.

Sandy Alderson (SA): Bob. Hi, good morning. How was your flight back from Orlando?

Bob Melvin (BM): Fine Sandy. No problem. What's new?

SA: Nothing all that special. Wondering how you are feeling about Ike Davis today.

BM: Same as before. We'd like the guy but have concerns over whether he can go back to being the power hitter he seemed to be becoming a few years ago. What do you want for him?

SA: You know we like that Tyler Thornburg kid. Give me him and we've got a deal.

BM: Sandy, Sandy, Sandy. Every day it's the same thing with you. How many times do I have to tell you that we are not moving TT in a deal and certainly not one for just an Ike Davis.

SA: But Bob....

BM: No "buts" about it Sandy. We're wasting each other's time having this same conversation every day. We've got a million guys under contract and Thornburg is the only one you want for a player you're dying to get rid of?

SA: We could discuss Braun or Segura.

BM: You're going there? So then I have to ask for Syndegaard and those sorts.

SA: Oh, we would never trade Thor. Let's get back to Ike for Thornburg.

BM: Not going to happen. And anyway with Loney signing in Tampa you're losing leverage every day. Why not ask for something else and maybe we can do some business.

SA: See, I see it differently. You liked Loney and now he's off the table. So I'd think you'd really like to acquire Ike. Just give up the kid pitcher and we'll be on our way.

BM: You act like Ike is the only lefty firstbaseman out there. I could go get Smoak or Mitch Moreland in a country minute so don't try to flim-flam me here.

SA: Sounds like we're not of one mind again today. Talk to you tomorrow.

BM: I'm afraid so.

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Larry writes a humor column for us at The Real Dirty Mets Blog once or more per week. You can follow Larry on Twitter at @dr4sight There he comments on the teams that drive him crazy: the Mets, both NY football teams, the NY Rangers, and the Knicks.