When you make MadTV seem culturally relevant you know there is a problem.
The grossly overhyped unveiling of the Apple iVag got me thinking about how useless so-called 'technological progression' is in the consumer culture of today. Steve Jobs--scion, saint of silicon, sage of cybernetics, has the unrivaled imagination to bring us all a device that could very well supplant the laptop or personal computer in terms of its versatility and range, ushering in a new world of unmitigated peace and prosperity...But wait, instead he shits out a product that sounds painfully similar to a feminine hygiene product and is only slightly less useful.
You can't multi-task, it has no camera nor USB input nor disk drive, you have to buy apps for it off the internet, the screen drains the battery life. All things that are sure to be corrected--one by one--in every subsequent, loudly trumpeted update that we will now have to endure every time that Jobs decides to publicly grace us with his divine presence. I mean what else is he trying to convey by his refusal to change outfits aside from the fact that he must surely come from the not-so-distant future-a land that exists beyond the troubling limitations of wardrobe diversification.
"Hey, look at me, I'm Steve Jobs--I come from the year 2013! I bring with me this largely impractical device that we have no use for in the future. Do with it what you will. I shall return shortly with a newer updated device from the year...2014!! By the way, the Colts won the SuperBowl in overtime, it was a terribly exciting game."
And no, Steve Jobs doesn't even have the modern decency to give spoiler alerts. What a douche bag. Well here's another spoiler: the iPad is pure marketing hype with little to no substantiative value. It is such hollow flash, in fact, that I go so far as to say that anyone who purchases one the day they hit the market is a much greater tool than the device they are buying ever will be.
Yes, I'm typing this on a MacBook Pro and YES I'm also watching last night's Lost premiere on my iPhone. Screw you for judging me! Apple products are marketed extremely well. Their design and style is always alluring and they tend to have utilitarian and aesthetic longevity. I want to like you Steve Jobs, I really do. But what pisses me off considerably is that I know this fucker has his own version of the iPad loaded with all the goodies that us civilians won't be able to lovingly fondle until after the World Trade Center is rebuilt. Just kidding, NOTHING will take that long.
As we are marketed progress though, we are really just strung along for the ride, slurping down the newest commercially construed 'innovation' incrementally dripped out at us as we collectively spin the hamster wheel. Is that really progress? Cause it seems to me more like a cyclical repackaging of the old, refurbished by shrewd marketing and rampant consumerism to be all bright, shiny and new.
A couple of years ago everybody was talking on their phones everywhere they went. Now a few years into the future and we are all typing to one another everywhere we go. Isn't that what the telegraph was doing for us a hundred years ago? What happened to the motherfuckin' hoverboard I was promised when I was a kid? How about the flying car? Fuck it, I'd even settle for a car that didn't run on an archaic engine that hasn't changed since back in the days when Chevy Chase still had a career.
At least televisions are all futuristic. Thank fucking God that a screen in my house now conveys reality more realistically than reality does. That was a life-altering breakthrough in the sense that many of us don't have a life anymore. I finally got an HDTV solely because I wanted to enjoy sports in the crisp, vivid clarity that is usually only offered by hearty doses of hallucinogens. But then I had to buy the HDTV package from my cable provider and pay a monthly premium for the privilege. Then I go to watch my HD and find out that all of the sports HD channels cost an additional fee! All this to watch about 11 minutes of NFL action overwrought with loud commercials that are even more obnoxious in high definition. Again, is that progress or is it just the same shit, different day?
This isn't progress, it is nonsense. Marketing hype. New look, same great taste. Welcome to the era of the upsale. Would you like fries with that?
In the meantime, if you want anything close to real technological advancement you'll probably have to go see a Daft Punk concert:
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