If you weren't with us for the series opener last week you can bounce back to the home page and see that article for the schematics here. But basically I'm a guy so unlucky Ed McMahon once sent me a letter saying I owed him $10,000,000 and I play in a lot of fantasy leagues. So like downing two Ambien with a Big Gulp I'm tempting fate each week in a way that's bound to get messy.

 

And with that, here's this week's abortion...

 

TEAM: Showering With Sandusky*

 

LEAGUE: The 95 Theses of Fantasy League

 

WEEK: 5

 

Showering With Sandusky: QB-Cutler; RB-Charles, Ridley; WR-D. Thomas, Garcon, Crabtree; TE-J. Graham; K-Crosby; DEF-San Fran.

 

Van Buren Boys: QB-Ryan; RB-C.Johnson, D. Williams; WR-Colston, Wayne, Hartline; TE-Celek; K-B. Walsh; DEF-Philly

 

*NOTE: I changed the name of this tieam hours after the Penn State scandal broke. Later many sites blocked the use of "Sandusky", but apparently I was "grandfathered in"...which is a phrase that sounds eerily creepy in this scenario.

 

PREGAME: Since the NFL season, and my 16 Fantasy teams, got underway I haven't done wash. So I'm currently wearing a Nehru jacket and a pair of parachute pants like MC Hammer on a tour of New Dehli. Plus I've just rolled outta bed so my hair is a cross between Art Garfunkel and the singer for A Flock of Seagulls...ladies feel free to leave your #s in the Comments Section. Now here we go...

 

Yes, I know, football...we're all excited...for now at least...

 

FIRST QUARTER: If my RBs dominate I figure to win and right from the start Charles is seeing more daylight than an Eskimo during the Summer Solstice. So far, so not bad which is the most I'll ever commit to...Potential Luck vs. Rodgers shootout in Indy is worrisome. Reggie Wayne's a star surrounded by the worst supporting cast since Larry Bird left Indiana State. Two catches for 24 yards off the bat spells trouble...Matt Ryan's been putting more balls in the air this year than a trampoline on Fire Island. He starts 5-6, trouble vs. my bye week QB Cutler...Least feared opposition player: Brian "200 Receiving Yards" Hartline. Nena had better chance of repeating the success of "99 Luft Balloons". He's MIA early as is Celek who's covering Witten's bye giving me a chance to make hay at TE...Wayne getting his hands on more balls than Michael Jackson at a Cub Scout meeting-104 yards at the half...But with Hillis out Charles is carrying biggest load since Steve Carrell in The 40 Year-Old Virgin ...Oh great, it's gonna be a close one...

 

SECOND QUARTER: Nothing from Garcon and now RG3 gets nailed on the noggin' like a question on The Joker's Wild. Kirk Cousins is in at QB and now I'll have the theme song to The Patty Duke Show in my head the rest of the day (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQTqKcojrV) ...Matt Cassell also knocked out with a QB Rating of 38.1 which is difficult since like filling out your name on the SAT you get 20.0 points just for stepping on the field. More carries for Charles as Brady Quinn is forced into action...Vick slings southpaw shot to Celek for six a nd I'm abused by a left-arm worse than Phil Mickelson's teenage penis...Mason Crosby misses 3rd QuarterFG, but worse is Indy-GB game taking longer than the Bugs Bunny-Crusher Boxing Match. Expect to see them shooting themselves fist first out of cannons at each other any moment and with Indy trailing Wayne may go for 30...Sure enough Wayne TD at :35 left. Crosby back for a 5 point FG to tie it, but shanks it farther left than a Wobbly (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Industrial_Workers_of_the_World)

...Down 60-23 at half.

 

HALFTIME:

 

...and a few tissues later we're back...what?...I've got a cold...

 

THIRD QUARTER: Cutler throws pick on first pass and I realize he looks like one of the preppy Frat Guys from Animal House, "Marmalard dead, Neidermayer dead, Cutler..." Well not until I get Stafford back from bye, please. Not looking good...But just like it wasn't over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor it's not over now as Ridley's ripping up yards and Pats are inside the 5...Blair Walsh, who I believe was the basis for a character on Facts of Life, nails his second FG and I find out that

this was actually Blair Warner...Pats committing more false starts than the ADHD 100 meter dash at the Special Olympics and pushed back Brady goes 8 yards to Welker for the score...Chris Johnnson/DeAngelo Williams are useless and my opponent is stuck in the 80s worse than Bruce Jenner's haircut. Still I need TDs to close gap...Pats again inside the 5, but Ridley's out and my TDs "vultured" in the most agonizing televised performance by a Vereen since "Chicken George"...Then my Miles Austin bye week replacement hunch turns into the sweetest Crabtree since the Little Rascals teacher and I'll be called "Chubsy-ubsy" as Michael puts up double digits in the first half and I've got life...

 

FOURTH QUARTER: There's less pressure on Cutler than there was in the Whipped Cream cans after my High School shift at Baskin-Robbins (mmm...nitrous oxide) and he should push or beat Matt Ryan's 22...Like my dating life Demaryius Thomas is doing everything but score. Still 100+ yards has closed the gap...Ridley's on fire, but getting yoyo-ed in and out of the lineup like Tom Smothers is calling plays for the Pats. Then again if I'm going to get boned a guy named Woodhead would seem to be a natural antagonist...Ridley finally finds the End Zone, but 49ers D is like Karen Carpenter eating a balanced breakfast-it seems like they're doing the right things, but in the end there's nothing to show for it (3 points)...Still I'm up 27 with Colston vs. Jimmy Graham on SNF...wait for it...

 

OVERTIME: Right from the start Colston is, as my Grandmother used to say, like shit, he's all over the place. Meanwhile Graham is like my luck, nowhere to be found...Brees is hitting Colston with more bullets than Al Pacino in the final scene of Scarface ...Graham being helped off the field like he just served at the Battle of Bull Run and writing is on the wall...Colston from 14, Colston from 16, Colston from 5 with 8:35 left because why should anybody ever run the ball...My opponent didn't, but beat me Mouse Davis-style with zero from his RBs and DEF...100-104, the worst 16 hours I've spent since I lived with girlfriend in college...

 

I should really stick to this kinda Fantasy...