he Man, the Myth, the Legend, Damian Sandow:

Damian Sandow is the gimmick I would have used if I became a wrestler. Holy crap he’s such a great snotty dick. If you’re familiar with Sandow’s routine on Smackdown what he does won’t surprise you here but he still pulls it off with such confidence and ability that I couldn’t help but enjoy it. Sandow basically came down to the ring, cut a promo on the audience using more big words than a thesaurus, and left without wrestling his opponent, Jason Jordan. For the record, Jason Jordan looks like the love child of Batista and Orlando Jordan and didn’t look too happy about Sandow snubbing him.

Ascension Video:

What the hell is Ascension? Well, at the moment they’re two dudes who may or may not be vampires that apparently like to hang out on unfinished skyscrapers in darkened CGI cities. At one point the stable also included Eddie Guerrero’s daughter and Epico of all people but I think the idea works better as a duo. Anyway, both men spout some creepy lines. One of them is English and the other is Conor O’ Brian. Yes, that Conor O’ Brian. Let’s find out how they wrestle, shall we?

Ascension (Cameron and O’ Brian) vs Jobbers (Mike Dalton and CJ Parker)

Okay, maybe wrestle was the wrong word. “Beats ‘em till they stop moving” would be a better description of how Ascension fights. The jobbers never really stood a chance and CJ Parker fell to a swinging jawbreaker/flapjack combination JR called “The Downcast” in about a minute. Ascension wins, is creepy. For the record Conor O’ Brian looks great and has found his gimmick. He looks totally comfortable yelling like a maniac and grimacing in Ascension’s spooky entrance lighting.