Friday Headlines: BOOYAKA BOOYAKA! Bye bye bye (for 60 days)!
Who’s that jumpin’ out the sky? R-E-Y Muh-steer-e-OH! Why’s he jumpin’ so high out da sky, key word being high? Well, we might have the answer to that very question. Word broke Thursday afternoon that Oscar Gutierrez aka Rey Mysterio has been suspended for sixty (that’s 60 for those who hate words) days for his second violation of the WWE wellness policy. I glanced at this news, then went to write it in my column and inadvertently wrote “Oscar Nunez” at which point I was confused because I didn’t understand why, or more importantly, how the WWE suspended the gay Hispanic guy from The Office.
In all seriousness, this has to be considered a pretty dark cloud for Mysterio. We all know the controversy that arose from his first suspension, in which he stated that it came as a result of a drug he was using to heal injury number 150-to-the-seventh-power-times-56-solve-for-X of his career. However, he was unable to produce a prescription for the drug despite his claims that he was legally prescribed said drug. While we have no knowledge yet of what happened this time around, his second violation has to raise a few eyebrows especially when you consider the fact that he is not currently competing.
First off, I find it interesting that WWE is testing him while he’s not active. That could say a few different things. The most probable is that he was on the verge of coming back to the ring and WWE decided to give him the test beforehand as routine procedure. Another possibility is that they don’t trust him after the first violation. Or maybe they’re worried about his health and ability to work without painkillers. Perhaps I’m just a conspiracy theorist and should go join Jesse Ventura on his television show and then we can ultimately guest host Raw and talk about the conspiracy to implant that Brock Lesnar video in everybody’s minds for all eternity.
Seriously though, one has to question if Rey can seriously work in the ring without some form of medication, legal or not. I’ve been making jokes about his injury count, but the guy has had a staggering amount of problems throughout the years. He can still go in the ring and fly through the air like he smoked the pot from HalfBaked, but one has to assume that he needs to wind down his career soon in order to risk permanent injury.
Time will tell us what happened, but I wish the best for Mysterio and I hope he can make the proper decisions for not only his career, but for the rest of his life as well. We now return you to fart jokes and obscure references. (Prowrestling.net)
HEY WANT SOME MORE NEWS?! HERE IT IS!
Nikki Bella will be defending her newly-won Diva’s Championship against Beth Phoenix at this Sunday’s Extreme Rules pay-per-view. My prediction is that Nikki will retain the title via the deadliest maneuver in the history of women's wrestling, the roll-up of course. Then Kharma will appear and then the arena will erupt in anger that they’re all in the bathroom and missed it. (Lordsofpain)
During the NFL Draft, many “WHAT?!” chants were directed at NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell while he was speaking. Goodell promptly suspended all of the fans and fined them 47 billion dollars each. (Prowrestling.net)
Rumors are swirling about a Brock Lesnar vs. Randy Orton feud taking place at WWE The SummerFest in August. This is how I envision a promo between these two men:
Brock: You see Randy, I’ve changed. I’ve changed because I like change. Change makes me happy Randy because I get to beat up people Randy and then I change. You see Randy, my name is Randy Brock Lesnar. I like to beat up the people Randy. The beating of the people changes me to happy Randy.
Brock: Yeah, well Sable’s going to wear an MMA costume for me tonight.
Then they stare at each other for twenty minutes until you change the channel to House Hunters International. (Lordsofpain)
Hulk Hogan is threatening a lawsuit against some website for posting (alleged) screenshots of his (alleged) sex tape. The website isn’t backing down and refuses to remove the (alleged) photos. Hulk’s lawyer went on to claim that the (alleged) photos were taken without Hulk’s consent. So that one of him ripping off a Hulkamania T-shirt while pointing directly at the camera and smiling was just a total coincidence. That’s what he does during sex. (Lordsofpain)
That’s it for me this week, fans of Cantonia. I shall return on Wednesday for another edition of The Midweek Breakdown. In the meantime, enjoy all the fabulous columns we have here at TJRWrestling.com. Follow me on Twitter so I can get motivated to start tweeting more often, because that’s a life goal of mine. Thanks for reading.