Five Bold Predictions: Preaseason edition
Those of us who love College Football can hardly contain our enthusiasm as we speed towards the start of the season. Message boards and social media are abuzz with predictions on what will happen this season. Everybody has an opinion on who will win various leagues and awards and what teams will do well. I thought I'd make Five Bold Predictions of what will happen in 2013.
1.) Midway through a 20 point home SEC loss, a Kentucky fan will tell a fan of rival school to "Wait'll basketball season!" Ever wonder why Kentucky fans show up for football games? It's to tell rivals to wait until basketball. Yeah, yeah, we all know whichever irrelevant Stoops brother they hired is recruiting well, but there are certain truths that are out there that will never change and one of them is that Kentucky football is irrelevant. Hal Mumme and Tim Couch were out to change the landscape of Kentucky football. Actually I think maybe one or both of them is in the landscaping business now. But back to the point, the only thing that matters at Kentucky is basketball, and they'd sacrifice Malcolm Stoops to Baal for Calipari to cheat his way to another banner.
2.) Alabama fans will continue to be the biggest group of fucked-up rednecks on the planet. These people kill trees on rival campuses and threaten their children with death if they choose to root for rivals. They display their national championship trophies in Wal-Marts. They tattoo murals of a dead coach on their bodies. Toilet paper and houndstooth are critical parts of their gameday attire. I think this prediction is pretty safe.
3.) Some small school will go undefeated and get left out of the National Championship game and everybody will cry and wonder how this injustice occurred. To this, we say: Tough fucking luck. Nobody asked you to play in the MEAC or wherever it is you play your games. How is it that everyone loves the underdog so much? Americans root for favorites. Anybody heard of the Yankees? How about the Cowboys? America is not the underdog, we are the big dog. Do you think the UN would let Luxembourg invade Russia just because Luxembourg kicked the shit out of Monaco and Andorra? Hell no, they wouldn't. They'd call America. And specifically they'd probably call the SEC champion. Nobody cares about who wins the Big Mountain East.
4.) Johnny Manziel will play most, if not all, of the season at Texas A&M. He will kick ass, and we will love him for it. And, he will continue to have a better life than you. The media needs to get off this kid's jock. If social media had been around when most of us were that age, our public reputation would be much, much worse. The kid is a gamer who brings it on the field. Perhaps what people hate about him is that he is the anti-Tim Tebow. I say that he's a real guy who likes to live life. I hope he beats the shit out of everyone he plays and flips off the camera as he's walking off the stage with his second Heisman. Hey Johnny, if you have some free time and want to party, give us a shout.
5.) Ohio State will run roughshod over the B1G and will get their shit pushed in by an SEC team in the National Championship game. There is not a whole lot more I can say about that. Probably their best hope is that somebody like Ole Miss somehow wins the SEC, in which case they would only lose by maybe 7 points, which would be less shameful if it weren't Ole Miss. Oh and while we are on the subject, Ohio State would rank about 9th in the SEC in tailgating and 11th in coed quality. Ooh, look at that hot girl in the parka and snow boots drinking a beer and eating scrambled eggs!! Move out of Canada, idiots.
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