While my wife and I were a bit late to the smartphone/tablet party we're all in at this point. She and I both have Android phones. I have an Android tablet while she has an iPad. I guess that makes ours a mixed marriage. And I'll have you know that I'm evolved enough not to be intimidated by the fact that my tablet's screen is just 7 inches in size while her Apple device's one is closer to 10 inches.


Combining that with our desktop computer which I believe is some kind of souped up Commodore 64 I'd say we're mainstream - at least to others in our generation.


What I've learned about the Androids and the iPad is that they exist for mostly one purpose: installing and uninstalling apps - dozens of them, maybe hundreds. The trick is to keep adding in apps until the device slows down in which case you buy a new device (if you have money to burn) or you start uninstalling the most useless memory hogs so that you can continue to install new useless memory hogs.


The only dedicated Mets app I use is the one called ALL METS NEWS. I like it since it quickly feeds me info from all the important Mets blogs including the one you are reading right now. (Caught you!)


I've been brainstorming recently thinking about ideas for other Mets apps. I have no idea how to actually develop one but will offer my ideas for almost free. If you are an app developer and actually create one of these apps I only ask a modest 20% cut of what you make from it and that percentage is negotiable.


So here they are. Get ready to be blown away.


The first one can be called either METS ARE WINNING or FAIR WEATHER METS FAN.


If you're anything like me you are most interested in watching the Mets when they are winning. Good times. Rare times, but good times. I tend to be a bailer and once the club falls too far behind, like one or more runs, then I am ready to change the channel to something else. My wife knows when I've reached that point because besides for reaching for the remote I have a code phrase that I always use: "They stink!" So this explains how the app works.


Let's say you are not watching or listening to the game but wonder how it's going. You just fire up this app and if the Mets are winning you will be told the score, the inning, who's pitching, and detailed info about the scoring plays. BUT, as so often is the case, if the Mets are not winning then you just get the message: "Unfortunately METS ARE WINNING has stopped."


This second might be considered an app but I think it can be better described as a widget, an adjunct to whatever photoviewer you like to use. I call it METS PHOTOS.


When you first install and fire it up you are asked two simple questions in the settings. The first one asks for your gender and you hopefully will designate it as male or female. The second question is orientation. Here your options are straight, gay, or bisexual.


Don't be shy. The developer will endeavor to keep this information local and away from the prying eyes of Google, Apple, and the NSA.


Once that is done whenever you are viewing photos in your viewer app periodically Mets-related photos will be sprinkled in. So let's say you, like myself, have designated yourself as male and straight (or you've gone with female and gay) then while you are viewing photos you will peiodically get to see jpegs of Anna Benson (back when she was young and happy with hubby Kris) and a variety of Mets wives and/or girlfriends. The paid version of the app will include pictures of the players' road mistresses if that info is in the public domain.


Had you put settings of female/straight or male/gay then you get to see photos of the handsomer Mets including Anthony Recker, Kirk Neuwenheis, and David Wright. I wouldn't want to complicate the initializing process by adding a question about eyebrows to see whether Josh Satin should be prominently displayed here.


And finally if the orientation is bisexual we'll have photos of some of the great (and not so great) switch-hitters in our Mets' past: Howard Johnson,  Mookie Wilson, Luis Castillo, Wally Backman, and even Eric Young, Jr.


And my last app proposal is for one I call VOICES OF CITI.


Remember back when the Mets were carried on WFAN radio? In recent years we have gotten used to hearing Howie Rose with his sidekick Josh Lewin doing the games.  Howie has been retained by the new radio home, WOR, but I believe Josh has not - at least not yet. I have heard names floated like Cliff Floyd, Regis Philbin, and Sean Hannity as being candidates for the #2 announcer slot but have no idea who might actually land the gig. If it's not Josh then many of us will be perturbed (we're Mets' fans after all and being perturbed is not a condition we're unfamilar with). This new app is just the answer. While listening to the game the app will alter the voice of Howie's partner, whoever that might be, so that it sounds like the voice of Josh Lewin. Neat, right?


We might even offer a paid version of the app where you can designate a voice that you'd like to be Howie's wingman. How about Vin Scully? Or James Earl Jones? Or bringing back Bob Murphy ("The Mets have won the damn thing.") or Lindsey Nelson? We lost our beloved Ralph Kiner the other day. His voice could be an option too. Too bad those hysterical Kineresque stories wouldn't come with them.


I think you'll agree that all these Mets apps are "must haves" for your smartphones and tablets.


You're welcome.



Larry writes a humor column for us at The Real Dirty Mets Blog once or more per week. You can follow Larry on Twitter at @dr4sight There he comments on the teams that drive him crazy: the Mets, both NY football teams, the NY Rangers, and the Knicks.