13 Fearless Predictions
Tomorrow night marks the beginning of the Grizzlies 13th season in Memphis. To commemorate those 13 seasons (some good, some quite shitty), here are 13 predictions (again some good, some shitty) on the upcoming season.
1. After being labeled as underrated all last season, some members of the media will begin to call Marc Gasol overrated. He will prove these men to be idiots.
2. Quincy Pondexter will play well enough to win the 6th Man of the Year Award except he'll be the starting small forward by Christmas.
3. My friend Jeff will tear his shirt off and attempt to fight an opposing fan during a meaningless game in February.
4. Zach Randolph's scoring production will continue its gradual decline. However he will remain an elite rebounder and have at least one game that leaves all in attendance in awe (see Phoenix, 12/4/12).
5. Tayshaun Prince's name will officially be changed to "Tayshaun Prince Is Still Under Contract for Next Year??"
6. I will tweet the word "Fuck." A lot.
7. Tony Allen will send out one tweet with perfect spelling and punctuation causing Twitter to crash for three days.
8. Mike Conley will be a dark horse all-star candidate but won't be able to overcome the bandwagon Laker fans that vote in Kobe Bryant after playing in only 6 games.
9. John "Whitesnake" Leuer will be a better backup power forward option that Ed Davis. (I don't really believe this. I just wanted to take the opportunity to push my Leuer-Whitesnake nickname agenda. I will not let it die. Prepare for a "Nicky Buckets" push for Calathes as well.
10. Mike Miller will play in less than 60 regular season games but more than twelve playoff games.
11. Opposing teams' analysts will use the "Memphis only made the Western Conference Finals because Westbrook blew out his knee" talking point at least once every broadcast. Ralph Lawler will go even further, calling the Grizzlies four straight playoff wins over the Clippers an urban legend.
12. A few non-Grizzlies predictions...
-By the end of the season, Dwight Howard will have a higher number of baby mamas than rebounds per game.
-With the Marcin Gortat trade, the Wizards are a lock for an Eastern Conference playoff spot.
-The Clippers will win over 60 regular season games but lose in the first round of the playoffs (again) because their post rotation is utter shit.
-The Spurs will be Spurs-good because Kwahi Leonard makes the jump to all-star.
-Despite their home court advantage, the Nuggets are a lottery team.
-The Thunder do not finish in the top 4 in the West.
-Dallas will be the only team in the Southwest Division not to make the playoffs after Rick Carlisle murders Monta Ellis in January.
-After his corrective eye surgery, Rudy Gay will finally see how terrible he actually is.
13. Memphis will start relatively slow as the team adjusts to Dave Joerger's offensive system. There will be some grumblings about Lionel Hollins on Twitter. By May, Chris Vernon will be recalling and ridiculing these tweets on his radio show as Memphis finishes with 55 wins and the 3 seed in the West.